Where have you been?

It’s been a real struggle to find a flow that leads me into writing here, now.

The Capricorn Shitstorm was wonderfully cathartic, and I was planning, organizing, and manifesting like a MOFO, but it moved with a raging undertow. That tide moved out and we’ve slipped into Aquarian territory, where my natal moon sits at 9 degrees, and all of the energy mustered by Cap Storm 2013 dumped rawly into a realization that I am a NEW ME, to match my NEW LIFE. I don’t know how to describe it. Discipline & Revolution at the same time. The time from Winter Solstice to, like, yesterday was like a foggy incubation—of the personal, that is, because in career-land I was channeling ass-kicking clarity—a cocoon that suddenly burst forth into, well, Arrow 1.0. I mean, I am partially shaving my head today, shit’s getting crazy reality.

Here’s a dream—the last of 2012:

12.31.12

I am returning to the society / tribal council that I founded, but which I had to leave soon after creating, many years ago. Everyone has been carrying on its existence in my absence, but now I am returning to be the rightful leader again. They have been planning a tremendous celebration for my return. It is a homecoming to the home I’ve had a hand in re/creating. Excitement, anticipation, curiosity, reveling. Everyone gathers at the long communal table for the feast. The feast consists of many white plates of chunks of sashimi—great extravagant hunks of fish flesh, which are indeed beautiful. But I start to realize that in my absense, things’ve gotten a bit decadent, and the community has lost sight of the guiding principles and structure I founded it with, and that part of my homecoming will entail bringing my tribe into realignment with my vision of purpose and being and living together in integrity.

Dreams, since, have been rough and turbulent with shedding scoughing movements. Tension building to the emergence of myself anew—akin to an old practice I used to rely on as a survival skill, a kind of splitting. This is not that. It is the difference between, as I wrote to Dia, Me 15.0, or Me 105.0, and Arrow 1.0. That makes all the difference in the fucking world.

Journalling, last night I wrote:

Strange energetic times and change – with this huge impetus toward change, trememdous excited energy toward me and my life and both having my style and really, new gushes of released life energy – life force! – and in that rush, old thought patterns bubble up, or beneath thoughts, energy patterns of stuckness and judgement and protective cutoff vigilance in my body, releasing. As a topic, Dad feels dangerous again and I know those body under-thoughts are from him—not dangerous like before, but I recognize how my body reacts to his psychic presence as a danger—like an iron clanging lockdown of compartmentalization commences—or, if my new energy gets stymid or sacrificed or I just don’t know how to channel it into action in that moment, those old modes take over as the energy sours—but I feel how shitty and wrong that feels in a new and more objective way – I don’t get stuck in assuming I’m Wrong in my body. (Another dream of the last few weeks taught me this lesson, about assuming wrongness in my body, revealing that ugly shame as merely a trick of perspective). I can see with some objectivity those old patterns, those broken fragments overlaid on old me’s.

And with each passing season, I learn more and more that this is how it goes, recovering from such insidious traumas and years of clever twisted survival. The more ME I am, the more NOT ME flushes out and reveals itself, wriggling and desperate. I am learning to take it in stride that gleaming revelations of joy in my own sparkling existence create readiness for more purging. So be it. We are full of shit that was never ours. I am The Aquarian Star, releasing my vessels into the cosmic stream. And I understand how one of her secret dark meanings can be Bondage. I am the Weaver, threading and cutting and knotting and shuttling and in the trance of that motion reading the now, and I understand why across time The Weavers are witches and valkyries as much as they are wives and mothers.

Elsewhere on the internets, Dia just wrote:

Anyways Mars trine Ceres is a powerful, wide-open energy channel for anyone trying to finally do what you know you should, but aren’t doing, to take care of yourself. Today is the day to do it. We have to come to terms with the fact that we are probably still hanging onto irrelevant feelings regarding what’s keeping us stuck in the past but we are supported in transforming our emotional realities and our karma. Today is really powerful!!! Going out on a limb or taking a wild chance will probably backfire. Just do what you know you are supposed to do, the Cosmos supports you.

I am FEELING THIS.

(So is my little one-room studio backhouse, which is also this weekend finally getting the homemakeover it needs to successfully house us, which includes homemade shelves stained bright red and painted with astrological and alchemical sigils on the ends in gold. Yesssssss. Next step: art station.)

So like I said, time for a partial head shave and the first style-based hair decision since, really, I just stopped cutting my hair back in 2007 (!) when my dad died. Hair is too big a conversation to write here, but I write it out loud in order to mark it. It’s important. It marks my conscious approach to the 30^th – you know what happens then?

Neptune hits my MC, (made way for in previous months by Chiron’s purging sweep), on the same day as my ruler Jupiter, conjunct Vesta, goes direct in my ascending Gemini. Ceres will be right on top of my Ascendant.  The sun will conjunct Theodora exactly on my natal moon. At the same time as a Venus return.  While Psyche conjuncts the True Node and Uranus conjuncts Athena, the Moon conjuncts my Psyche and Saturn sits on my Vertex. Amidst the usual zap-zone framing, of course. That’s a lot of astro action feeding the integration that I feel peaking. I especially like the infusion of Sun and Theodora into my Moon there, with sextile support from Uranus/Athena, and the Venus Reset trining mutual support with Jupiter Direct + Vesta. Uranus/Athena will also be sextiling Vesta/Jupiter Direct. I am aiming to launch my new Website on that very day, for maximum auspicious juju. I want my entire practice to be a guided by snapshot of this astro.

(Vesta/Jupiter may be pierced by a Saturn/Pluto yod, there, too—depends how tight you read the yod—check it out.).

Sista Dia patiently awaited my navigating this last foggy passage, and when the moon was just right, she drew cards for this new quarter of EP. Fittingly, it begins with Voyager’s

Ace of Worlds – Success

“Worldly success means being fully established, which is symbolized by the solidity and wholeness of material spheres such as planets. The planets of our solar system, being interrelated, symbolize the success of having it all together on the material plane. Now is the time to get it together. Organize, partner, synergize. Make sure you acknowledge the success that you are already!

“Each planet indicates your success in a particular sphere of worldly life, and its double shows how you achieve it. Succeed in your financial affairs (Jupiter) through Jupiterian expansion, in your work (Saturn) through Saturnian discipline and hard effort, in your social relationships (Moon) through your emotional sensetivities and communication, in your home (Earth) by being at home and taking care of it and in your physical health (Sun) by being Sun-like, physically active and exercising for greater energy.”

In our solidity and wholeness, we are indeed attending more deeply than ever before to interplanetary clarity and balance.

She proceeded:

XVI – Tower

“The Tower, symbolizing the law of purification, is a revolutionary cleansing of all levels of your being. The pre-Colombian Inca warrior jumping from the tower symbolizes the purging of your impurities (black tower). The burning effigy represents the burning up of your dark aspects. Burn out what does not belong in your life.

“The view of the sun, your eye, from the top of the tower symbolizes self-examination. See the mental patterns and beliefs you must destroy (headless warrior). See the negative emotions you must put to flame (effigy’s burning heart). See the physical toxins you must expurgate (broken feet of warrior). See the worldly situations and circumstances you must change (broken body structure). See the aspects of yourself which are not really you that you must sacrifice (sacrificial fire).

“By leaping into the alchemist’s furnace, melt down the old inner and outer structures. This, a metamorphosis occurs, symbolized by the red-winged blackbird, the first bird to herald the return of spring. There is a new dawning and you restructure your life (the light in the tower).

“The shadow or negative side of Tower: You may, however, lack the will of the warrior and stay trapped in your tower, your structures. You may not have the courage to take the leap into a fiery transmutation. Or you may project your own frustration and anger onto others and disrupt their lives.”

I swear, I couldn’t even read this until right now, and what do you know! I spent the last 36 ours majorly tripping on MENTAL PATTERNS AND BELIEFS, EMOTIONS, TOXINS, CIRCUMSTANCES, AND NOT-ME FRAGMENTS I MUST PURGE. Been drinking Apple Cider Vinegar every morning, daily omega oils, creating routine, waking up craving it. Seeking readiness for my Healfighting Spiritual Warrior Queen Haricut.

As we proceed toward the coming of spring, there is indeed a new dawning and we restructure our lives. I picked a word for 2013, you know. It’s DAWN.

Moving on:

Sage of Worlds – Master

“Through experience, you have mastered your craft. Because you know how the wheels turn in the world, you have mastered the wheel of fortune. As the master of your art, you see your reflection in your work. Perform your trade and fulfill your responsibilities impeccably. Use your worldly life to cultivate your inner charachter. Engage in “right livelihood” of living healthy, wealthy, happy, and holy.

“Through your knowledge and the quality of your efforts, you achieve webpower and status, symbolized by the crown and elk horns. Though king of the mountain, nevertheless be humble, modest, and share of your wealth. As one who is fully established, relax in your work, play at it and enjoy it. Take time out to pursue your hobbies, get energized, be with your friends and follow a spiritual path.”

PREACH!

Also: Webpower!!!!!

That brings us to:

Wisdom of the Hidden Realms

The Web Weaver

“Synchronicity, divine intelligence, cause and effect

“(Ally) The Web Weaver rejoices that your creations are far-reaching and have positive effects on the many. Every action, every thought, every word and deed, is woven into the web of creation. When the Web Weaver appears as your ally, she grants you the way to others of like mind and intention and lets you know you’re not alone in your endeavors.

“Just when you need to make a connection, like magic, synchronicity occurs. Music reverberates through the web and plays in harmony with your own. This is a sign to trust in the connectivity between all events. Magic is afoot for you!”

Dia wrote: “Web Weaver is the first card I drew from this deck EVER and it was re: this new EP thing we had just started.  Well, she’s back for chapter two as well!”

It’s funny. The night before I received this email, I was journaling, and struggling with what language to use when I wanted to name The Goddess, or God, or Whomever, in a way that felt more precise and less gendered, and the word that came out of my pen was, The Weaver. Truth.

Weaving became a major foundational metaphor in my life the day — September 2nd, 2012 — I had the mystical experience of sitting down at a loom belonging to a wonderful Goddess-infused artist elder, and just the act of sitting at that loom sent shudders through the ether as I made contact with countless generations of ancestral blood magic, a cellular reaction, and deep inside my cells, I wept. I was overcome with the desire to weep for homecoming joy/grief, just sitting at this thing. Since then, the most potent dreams use weaving as a metaphor. I wrote of one here earlier, about the Warp.

Back to several nights ago. The words I wrote leading up to that naming: “I will never fully understand. I am not in total control. Remember to ask for the one who knows how to do this. Remember to remember the Weaver. Trust.”

This is fucking indeed a sign to trust in the connectivity between all events. Trust and heartfully participate!

For Winter Solstice, I followed a ritual I learned of from Joanna Powell Colbert (the Gaian Tarot lady). It speaks to that question: Where have I been?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAE-a0ytv_A

It goes:

The deep, dark place I entered this year was:

The 9 of Arrows – Dedication

“The spiritual warrior dedicates their arrows of inspiration by playing the bow as an instrument of summoning. The inner oath helps keep one on a balanced footpath by dedicating skills to a greater good.

“To heed the calling to dedicate one’s life to any skill, spiritual path, belief system, or philosophy requires sincerity, self-discipline and hard work. It is a sacred summoning that requires time and effort. For those who hear the calling and become spiritual warriors and protectors of the land, responsibility and sacrifice are also required. To deny that the human species has had a negative effect on the planet’s climate and atmosphere seems totally redundant. The growing awareness of our individual impact on the ecosystem may take on greater significance in the future. We cannot predict what effect our avarice and rapacious exploitation of the land will eventually produce, byt the dedicated defender of the soil must protect the living legacy we leave for our children. To teach by example the value of respecting others’ beliefs and philosophies in honoring the land is immensely important. Sometimes a simple daily ritual reminds us of the oath we have taken to conserve and protect the environment. Dedicate yourself to the task of preserving the land and be a part of making the difference.”

You can see, by this interpretation of the 9 of swords, the bent of this deck, which I use primarily for wheel-of-the-year working and my magical calandar (it is a tarot formed to the wheel of the year, so it functions as a calendar as well – The Wildwood). I wrote about the last year as the year of “finding my ground,” and becoming dedicated to tending my ground – not only in finishing the thesis work that literally dealt with my relationship and obligation to Orange County, but the inner ground of my wild foundation and dedication to entering into an integral relationship with that very ground of my being, and its healing and conservation. It is card traditionally associated with nightmares, which honors the acquired toxicity of the land, literal and metaphorical. Much of the year felt like this kind of almost trance-walking, finding my path, making my Arrow music to shine light in my own dark places. Her face speaks deeply of grief, which will always be a part of that path. The crisis of the 9 was SO 2012.

The shining gift I received there was:

11 – The Woodward (Strength)

“The classical Tarot image of strength is a beautiful, mature woman controlling or holding a lion. The inherent balance of this image shows the calm beauty of patience and love countering the unbridled emotions of anger and hate. The Woodward, an ancient guardian of the Wildwood, symbolizes the inner power that comes from facing fear and understanding the nature of darkness. The inner strength that comes from this awareness gives the individual the emotional body language and the humility that says, ‘I am not a victim. Treat me with respect. Do not mistake my passivity for weakness.’

“Within The Wildwood Tarot, the Woodward is a hunter whose prey is solutions to moments of crisis. He acts as an emotional backstop when fate, or the destructive energy of a situation, faces us with seemingly irrational or overwhelming disaster. When the individual is removed from a place of seeming security, they are stripped of the emotional baggage that holds them in a state of limbo. During this stripping away of illusory power, individuals find within themselves their true inner strength. A person who has learned from the experience of the journey around the Wheel of the Year gains a vital wisdom about the nature of patience and resolution.

“However, neither of these qualities is enough on its own to give the spiritual hunter courage to forage in the wilderness again. A certain fierceness is needed. The hunter must be as strong or cunning as the creature (solution) they are tracking and as dedicated to their goal as the lioness is to protecting and feeding her cubs. This is not mindless, irrational aggression, but the tempered stoicism of a cool and resolute passion. The strength of the Woodward is both a balance and a dichotomy between the energy of the hunter or the guardian, and the grounded inspiration found within the ecstasy of drumming and war dancing. These energies honor the qualities that provide protection and inspiration.”

Yes.

The gift I received has the potential to renew me by:

6 of Arrows – Transition

“The primal impulse here is to move beyond old boundaries and personal thought processes and deploy new methods of reasoning to resolve important issues. Some obstacle may challenge older methods, and new, more dynamic responses are required to adapt to a new set of paradigms. This can be an exciting process. The journey may be scary, since letting go of old and previously effective processes can be unsettling, but the unseen tides that drive the need to evolve are already pulling you to new experiences and places. Trusting in your own instincts and skills to absorb change is essential to overcome new situations. Take advantage of your subconscious forward momentum and ride the new wave with an open heart and a positive mental attitude. Welcome any new process with confidence and apply your skills to effect healing renewal. Embrace well-tried experience also, as the Wheel inevitably turns, and enter into these personal changes with stoical enthusiasm.”

The “foggy passage” of the last  two weeks I referred to above? Uh, natural to transitional dawn launches. Don’t sweat it. Right where we should be, right where we are. Where you been? Uh, where you goin?